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Strategy: Finding Closure

January 4, 2008 @ 14:27:47

By Kenneth Humphrey
Edited by Herija C. Green

The turn of a new year always brings with it several things that seem to be consistent for many people:

Resolutions that are made only to allow new and improved methods of rationalization when each resolution is broken like a child snapping crayons between his knuckles.
Expensive memberships to gyms that feature loud bumping music and bars with young non-fat specimens selling energy drinks.
Loud articulated resolutions (ideally in front of anyone willing to listen) about the refusal to set resolutions based on some quirky moral code.

For the long suffering fantasy owner, a new year often brings an additional component: The end of all that is fantasy football where you either have a trophy or not. And the mini-consolation trophy given to third-place finishers doesn't count. Ever. Stop showing it around.

Raise your hand if this sounds familiar --

You lead wire to wire in your high-stakes league, going 11-2, with a first-round Bye and the second seeded team two wins behind. You have Tony Romo as your quarterback, Joseph Addai and Bryan Westbrook at running back, and Larry Fitzgerald, Braylon Edwards and Brandon Marshall at receiver. Oh, and don't forget Antonio Gates at tight end. How could you possibly lose? You are a juggernaut! Then Week 15 rolls around - your first playoff game. Romo proceeds to dump three points out there, followed by Addai with nine and Gates with zero. ZERO! How in the name of all that's holy does this happen? Just like that you're tossed, and the best team you've ever owned is worthless.

Or --

You limp along in the free "just for fun" league, muddling around .500 all season. Players like Jon Kitna and Frank Gore form your core. It's so bad you stop really paying attention, maybe looking at your roster some Fridays but not even bothering to change the lineup. Suddenly you sneak into the playoffs as the last Wild Card. There's some new interest, but not enough to grab you tight. Then, one morning before Week 16 begins you decide to glance at that league only to discover that you're in the playoffs. Oh joy! You actually start sweating it out over the weekend, watching Kitna score two points. But wait, Gore finally has a monster day! So do Reggie Wayne and Dwayne Bowe. Success! Championship! You type a one-line message on the home page: "I rule."

Do either of those sound familiar? Even more, did they happen in the same season? They did here. But no one responded to the triumphant victory message. Maybe they were all jealous.

What now? How do you fill the void that once resounded with repetitive tasks like: Check lineup, check injury report, check KFFL Hot Off The Wire, check lineup again, check waiver wire, post trade and immediately withdraw it. You get the idea.

Well, here at KFFL, we are proven experts in all things fantasy. We not only can help you win your league, we also know how to deal with the inevitable emptiness that occurs when you don't win and are left with little to do. It's our own little model based on the Kubler-Ross stages of grief.

Stage 1: Denial - No, it's not just a river in Egypt. Symptoms are constant shaking of the head and repetitive visits to the league Web site, often accompanied by a re-reading of the season's posts to the message board.

Stage 2: Anger - Symptoms include muttering in anger every time Tony Romo shows his face on TV or that bitter feeling inside when you look at the last game you were in.

Stage 3: Bargaining - Remember that one guy in your league that drafted Tom Brady at No. 8 in the first round? Remember how you mocked him? If you find yourself grudgingly agreeing that it was a move you should have made, you might now be entering this stage.

Stage 4: Depression - The first sign of this stage usually comes with the tiny little promise that you won't do seven leagues again next year and can often be followed by deleting the bookmarks from your computer.

Stage 5: Acceptance - Wait a minute. You almost won that playoff game. Sure you lost by 30 points, but if Romo would have played better, or if you would have played David Garrard instead, or if Gates wouldn't have been shut out by Detroit, because surely that was a fluke... Novices without the superior knowledge that KFFL possesses often confuse this stage with rationalization.

Take heart, fantasy owner. As surely as the NFL Draft follows free agency, there will come a time when you no longer ache from the 2007 season. Look yourself in the mirror, silently whisper the words "I rule" to yourself and begin to walk your way out into the light. There will be another season sooner than you know, another chance to redeem yourself against that guy who had a stupid name for his stupid team anyway. Along the way you'll find that even too much sun can hurt and that there are other fish in the pond.

After all, doesn't NASCAR fantasy start up pretty soon?