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Strategy: Finding Closure and Filling the Void

January 19, 2006 @ 16:00:00

By Kenneth Humphrey
Edited by Cory J. Bonini

Time is the endless marcher. Spring follows winter, mini-camps follow the NFL draft, training camp follows summer.

Inevitably, the end of fantasy football follows the close of the season. It's such a hard time on all of us, isn't it?

Unless you started up a playoff league, your season is now done. Where your days were once filled with scouring waiver wires, snatching at every injury report and fretting over your lineup each weekend, there is nothing left but the tattered folder containing all your 2005 season draft notes.

So What is Left to Do?

KFFL hears your needs and truly we want to help you deal with this problem. We, too, suffer from the same sickness; after all, we don't write these articles to bankroll our yachts! We do it because the addiction is too strong. The $1 million we earn per article is donated to the Terrell Owens Image Rehabilitation Foundation.

Thus, without further ado, here are some tips to guide you through the next few months, at least until March Madness or the 2006 NFL Draft rolls around. Be aware that all these stunts were performed by professionals on a closed course and should not be attempted without proper supervision.

Caution - Winners Only Allowed

The League Champ Self-Award: Should you have been lucky enough to win your entire league, you deserve a break today in the form of a trophy - a big, fat trophy with flashy gold or silver plastic figures fixed atop. Get an inscription plate. Have it engraved with something like "John Smith - Champion of the hardest game of them all, provider of all that is good, deliverer of victory." Bring it with you whenever you visit the house of someone in your league and cradle it like you would a child. Tell everyone not to stare directly at it.

Haunt Your League Page: Many site providers will leave the web pages up for months after the season ends. Visit often and post on the message board. Wonder where everybody is... Ask them who won the league again... Offer to send pictures of your trophy for a small fee... Tell them you are available for children's birthday parties where you will sign ACTUAL, NON-FACSIMILE roster sheets from your championship season... Make sure to highlight the one where Julius Jones sat on your bench and cost you the game. What a jerk!

Apply for Coaching Positions: Hey, there are plenty to go around this year. Create a resume that lists all the savvy moves you made during the year to win it all. Title it "If Mike Tice can, why can't I?" Get a handwritten endorsement from the owner you beat in the final game; after all, who would recognize your genius better than the person you stomped on the way to the podium?

Honor Your Hero: Determine the player that pushed you over the top, the more obscure the better. Type a letter in his name and send it to your final opponent. An example would be: "Hello, this is Matthias Askew, defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals. I realize that I started only one game this year, but the tackle and forced fumble I had in Week 17 made the difference for my owner, may the sun bless his head, in your individual defensive player league. I'm no Julius Jones, but because of my supreme effort, my owner went on to win the league over you. I humbly request that you put that in your pipe and smoke it. Good day."

Apparently, failure IS an option

Didn't win the league? Make the playoffs even? Don't be bitter. Amuse yourself.

Start a "Dead Pool" (Alternatively called the Brett Favre Retirement Watch Party): Named after the player who gives us so much entertainment during the offseason, entertainment in the form of watching all the Packer fans wringing their hands over the fate of their beloved deity. Gather your league buddies and set up a grid to determine various important checkmarks for next season, like: When will Carson Palmer or Daunte Culpepper race each other? Who will provide the 10-foot pole that some team needs to touch Terrell Owens? How many contract offers will Shaun Alexander lose after looking like a 10-year-old girl jumping and clapping after that touchdown against the Washington Redskins? (If that's what a concussion does, please God don't ever let me get one.)

Write a Breakup Letter: At some point in the last half of the season one of your studs let you down. You don't need this. There are plenty of other fish in the sea and you still have your pride, so let him know. Don't let him treat you like that: "Dear Julius, I know this comes at a hard time for you, but I want you to understand that I still care. I just can't go on like this. All season long you wallowed in mediocrity. No touchdowns since Week 3... No hundred yard games... When I drafted you, I really thought you could be the one. I was so happy. I tried to start you; week after week I gave you a chance. Finally I couldn't take it anymore and benched you. Of course, you came out and blew up for 194 yards and two touchdowns. Those were the points that would have put me over the top in my championship game. That's when I realized that you just don't care about me. I need someone I can rely on and it's not you. I'm sorry, but I will not let you burn me again next year. Take care of yourself."

Jersey Tag: Named after that cute habit gang bangers have of "tagging" everything, this exercise will exorcise some of those demons that come when you stare at the shelf where your trophy should be sitting. To prepare, get a bunch of sticky notes, duct tape or other adhesive product. Write a short note on each one, such as "Julius Jones is a donkey - Week 17, my rear." (Getting a hint here on who could have won me a championship game but was sitting instead? I'm not bitter. Really. Jerk.) Go to your local sporting goods store, find the rack containing the targeted jerseys and stick a note to each one. Make it a goal to tag every jersey before getting bounced by store security.

Well, that's about it, folks... Just a few stress relieving ways to deal with the offseason. Many novice fantasy addicts will choose the route of denial, but that's a mistake. Living in denial is no way to deal. It costs you friends, self-respect and most importantly, does not help you when watching game tape of mini-camp practices to determine which rookie will be your next Julius. Jerk.

See you all next season.