By Don Drooker

As Hedley Lamarr (or maybe Chase Headley) once said, "My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives." So, with Spring Training upon us, and with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy....

• Don't forget "Evil Ways"

  If you get more excited about Evan Longoria than Eva Longoria, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you're concerned about Frank Francisco's elbow, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If your neighbor brags about his 4x4 and you reply by saying you prefer 5x5, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know it's d'Arnaud and not D'Arnaud, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you're walking through the woods when someone yells "snake" and you yell back "I prefer auction," you just might be a fantasy player.
• If someone refers to a girl as a "keeper" and you ask if she qualifies at more than one position, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know more about the Molina Brothers than you do about the Jonas Brothers, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you think the best thing about the Super Bowl is that it's the last football game of the season, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you watch a movie that stars Ben Kingsley and you're motivated to check Trace Wood's website, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you think "Black Magic Woman" is only a song by the wrong Carlos Santana, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you've signed a petition to have Bill James' countenance added to Mt. Rushmore, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you see graffiti that says "Jesus Is the Answer" and you wonder if the question is, "Who Is Matty and Felipe's Brother?", you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you believe that Wilin, Welington and Yasmani are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If someone says they're going to sneak a smoke and you think it's "Smoak" because the price is less than $10, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you are secure in the fact that Lord Zola is not a character created by J.R.R. Tolkien, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you meet someone whose child is named Jurickson and you don't think twice, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know that brothers Cesar and Maicer Izturis were born only eight months apart, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know that Starlin, Alcides and Asdrubal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If someone uses the cliche, "The Bloom Is Off the Rose" and you immediately think of a utility infielder and "The Hit King," you just might be a fantasy player.
• If someone invites you to see "Kung Fu Panda" and you ask if they have box seats, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you believe that "Rotoman" may soon become a comic book Superhero, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you wonder why the Mexican restaurants in Kansas City don't serve Moose Tacos, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know the difference between Ryan Wheeler, Tim Wheeler and Zack Wheeler, you're definitely a fantasy player.
• If Ron Shandler has replaced John Grisham as your favorite author, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you've changed your name from Mike to Giancarlo, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you think Ben Revere is faster than Paul Revere, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If the song "Camptown Races" makes you think of Lucas Duda, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If someone tells you they live on Huston St. and you immediately think about Saves, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you're positive that Vinnie Pestano isn't a character from "The Sopranos," you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know the difference between Jarred Cosart, Kaleb Cowart and Zack Cozart, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If your wife isn't concerned about you visiting Asian websites because she knows you're scouting prospects, you are obviously a fantasy player.
• If you don't believe that Zack Greinke is worth $159 million, but you're sure he's worth at least $21, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know that Yovani, Aroldis, Ubaldo and Anibal are all spelled correctly, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If someone said "Who's On First?" and you thought they meant "Hu's On First", you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know the stats of John Smiley and Drew Smyly, you just might be a long-time fantasy player.
• If you know more quotes from Dylan Bundy than from Al Bundy, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you know there are two starting catchers named A.J., you just might be a fantasy player.
• If your total bill every time you shop at Costco is $260, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If the song "Whip It" comes on the radio and you think about control pitchers, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If the song "Whip It" comes on the radio and you think about Devon White, you just might be an experienced fantasy player.
• If Kevin Youkilis, Ian Kinsler, Ryan Braun, Scott Feldman, Trevor Rosenthal and Craig Breslow are all on your team, you just might be a Jewish fantasy player.
• If the names Leonys, Taijuan, Kolten, Rymer and Xander are familiar to you, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If you think Jamie Moyer could be related to Steve Moyer, you just might be a fantasy player.
• If your Zen Master plays a guitar, you just might be a fantasy player.